Emotional ride followed son's revelation he is gay

One mother has mixed reactions to the U.S. bishops' new document, "Always Our Children," a message to the parents of homosexuals.

"My first reaction was 'Alleluia!'" said Mary, a parishioner at St. Vincent de Paul Church in Albany whose son is gay. "'Finally, they spoke out and said something positive.'"

But while she is pleased that the bishops released the message, it didn't say anything new to her. In addition, she is troubled that the document reiterates the Church's stand on sexual activity outside of a marriage relationship.

The document states: "To live and love chastely is to understand that 'only within marriage does sexual intercourse fully symbolize the Creator's dual design, as an act of covenant love, with the potential of co-creating new human life.' This is a fundamental teaching of our Church about sexuality, rooted in the biblical account of man and woman created in the image of God and made for union with one another."

Love for child

The statement encourages parents to continue to love their child even after he or she has revealed that he or she is homosexual.

"It never occurred to me to do anything but to love him," she said. "It's too bad the Church has to be the last on the bandwagon of love."

While Mary and her husband continue to love their son, they know that other parents react differently to the news. For example, her neighbors didn't speak with their daughter for two years after she told them she was a lesbian.

"I'm amazed how many people have ousted their children," Mary said.

Church teaching

For Mary, who didn't feel comfortable using her real name since her son has not "come out" to their whole family, the prospect of his living without being in a loving relationship is a sad one.

"We want our son to have a fulfilling, joyful life," she said. "If that means a committed relationship, then we'd like him to have that. We don't want him to be promiscuous, but we don't want that of our other children either."

Church teaching on homosexuality, from "The Catechism of the Catholic Church," states: "Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity, [Church] tradition has always declared that 'homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered.' They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved."

Emotions

Mary found the document's list of emotions parents might experience when they find out a child is homosexual to be accurate. It states parents may feel relief (because they may have suspected for a while), anger, mourning, fear, guilt, shame, loneliness and protection.

"I felt every bit of it," she said of the list. "There are a lot of fears."

Mary and her husband thought for a while that their son's sexual orientation was their fault. They also fear for his future, worry that he will suffer from humiliation or shame, and are concerned for his health.

Revelation

Her son came out to her two years ago. He was reading the Catechism of the Catholic Church and began talking to her about the Church's teachings on homosexuality. That prompted a discussion, and she finally asked her son if he was gay. When he said he was, she asked him, "How could you bear this burden yourself?"

"We always suspected it since he was a little guy," Mary said, noting that as a child, he liked to dress in women's clothes and play with lipstick and jewelry. She described him as more sensitive and compassionate than her other children.

"He first suspected it in junior high school," she said. "He was confused and kept hoping it wasn't true."

Difficult time

While Mary has been supportive of her son, she admits it hasn't been easy. The bishops' message states that a child who has revealed his or her homosexuality "is still the same person."

"I didn't feel that. Not at first," she confessed. "He was a stranger. He was not my son anymore. I was ashamed of that feeling."

She admits that when she found out that her son, whom she described as a "kid on top of the world in so many ways," was gay, she "couldn't stop throwing up." She also has cried a lot. Even now, two years later, she still cries when she relates the story of the night he came out.

"I read a lot and went through the stages of grieving and mourning," she said. "I was angry at God, but I think everything is part of God's plan."

Acceptance

Over the past two years, Mary and her husband have experienced God's healing.

"We've experienced God's love, healing and care," she said. "God gave us healing each step of the way through Father [Leo] O'Brien [her pastor] and things we've read."

To other parents in the same situation, she recommends time, reading, listening and praying.

"Allow yourself to grieve and feel terrible," she said. "There are so many wonderful books. Hearing what other parents say is healing. I prayed non-stop."

During Mass at her son's college during parents' weekend two years ago, she looked around and thought: "If all of these people knew, they wouldn't let us stay. I never feel that way anymore."

(For further information, parents can contact the Albany diocesan Family Life Office, 453-6677.)

(10-09-97)