Early deaths deepen need for comfort

The sudden death of a young person brings not only sadness, grief and sorrow, but also questions about God's fairness and life's cruelty. That's when Catholics often turn to priests for answers and reassurances of hope.

A priest's words, whether spoken in the homily or conveyed privately, are not the only crucial thing they can offer to mourners, said Rev. Christopher DeGiovine, who teaches a course in homiletics at St. Bernard's Institute of Theology and Ministry in Albany.

"The first thing I always tell people is that your presence is more important than your words," he explained. "We don't have an answer to why young people die or why a tsunami destroys 150,000 people. What we do have is the ability to bring consolation and hope."

Being there

Rev. Ronald Menty, pastor of St. Clare's Church in Colonie, agreed, saying: "The issue at the time of the wake is presence -- a real, compassionate, caring and sensitive presence."

He recently presided at the funeral of a 17-year-old who died in a car accident.

To establish a rapport and a relationship with mourners, he said, it's important for a priest to show young people that he understands, because "they'll listen if they feel that you're on the same wavelength with them."

Familiarity

A crucial part of the formulation of a funeral homily happens when the priest sits down to speak with the family of the deceased.

Father Menty said that the meeting helps him get an idea of where the family is in the grief process, who is helping them through and how the death is being seen -- through anger, sadness or faith.

Because everyone processes their feelings differently, he explained, some people may be at a stage that says, "I know my child is with God," while others might ask, "Why did God allow this to happen?"

Life stories

Knowing the family's status also means learning the family's stories, Father DeGiovine noted, especially at the wake. "That's the time for storytelling and sharing memories," he said. "The preaching is the time to focus on the mercy and compassion of Jesus Christ."

He recommended that priests focus on true consolation, not pat answers or trite assurances. Letting mourners know of God's presence in their lives is primary.

"One spiritual director gave me great consolation over the death of my brother," the priest recalled. "'Chris,' he said, 'you keep on trying to answer the question of why? What if you just began to see yourself standing at the gravesite, and Jesus standing next to you, with Jesus sharing even more grief?' Our faith tells us that Jesus does share our pain and suffering, and that God never leaves us alone."

Theme of hope

Rev. Joseph O'Brien, pastor of Holy Spirit Church in East Greenbush, likes to focus on Christian hope, which calls people to believe in "something that we can see, if only in the heart and the soul."

The priest, who recently spoke at the funeral of a 17-year-old girl who was killed in an auto accident, does not have a set homily, preferring to learn about the family and the deceased, and to tailor his remarks to reach them.

"They let me walk on special and sacred ground in their lives," he noted, "and it is part of my role to talk about how we, as a community, can live and pray based on the experiences we have all gone through."

No easy answers

Society, the priest remarked, often links such tragic deaths to questions of fairness and justice. Young people wonder why their friend was taken away so early; older relatives sometimes wonder why they were allowed to live longer than the deceased.

There are no easy answers as to why a child is left motherless or a freak accident cuts short a teen's life before graduation, he said. But he does offer the assurance that God understands any questions they may have.

"God's Son was among us," said Father O'Brien. "God experiences our lives. God has a very personal insight into our suffering through the experience of His Son. Does God understand our losses? Yes."

(2/24/05)