April 6, 2018 at 1:53 p.m.
SUPPORT GROUPS
Diocese serves separated, divorced
St. John the Baptist parish in Valatie, Our Lady of Victory in Troy and St. Matthew's in Voorheesville offered the 10-week "Detours on the Journey" program for groups of up to 10 people. They use a Catholic workbook on divorce, featuring topics like stress, anger, blame and guilt, loneliness, forgiveness and growth. The program incorporates prayer, journaling and discussions.
St. Kateri Tekakwitha parish in Schenectady and Immaculate Conception parish in Hoosick Falls will be among the next meeting sites.
Ellie Dorn, the facilitator at St. Matthew's, called that parish's recently-completed group "a wonderful experience.
"It helped [participants] feel they were working on their divorce in a positive way," she said. "They found the chapters very relatable [and] hope-filled. Camaraderie just forms in the group because they understand [and] don't have to justify anything."
Mrs. Dorn recently retired from a career as a youth minister and began studying bereavement at Maria College in Albany; after she took a course on support groups, someone suggested she facilitate a Detours group. She said she witnessed, through the divorces of two of her siblings, "how isolating it can be - the great pain and damage to your self-worth that divorce can cause for many years.
"Our Church needs to offer our support and our care and concern to those who are suffering this way," she said. "There are so many reasons why people need to end their marriages. We need to [help] them feel God's love and compassion. I wanted to help be that compassionate presence for people."
Mrs. Dorn opened the sessions with prayer and a "letting go of the day" exercise and closed them with more prayer and music. She stressed that the group was safe, confidential and not to be viewed as therapy. Participants listen to each other, but do not dole out advice.
Healing from a divorce is similar to mourning a death, Mrs. Dorn said. Divorcees struggle with the demands of single parenthood, their children's adjustment and changed family and social structures.
"It's a death of this relationship that you had so many high hopes for," she said. "It's a total destruction of everything you had hoped and dreamed and planned. We can help short-circuit some of the pain if they feel supported right from the beginning."
There were five people in the St. Matthew's group, ranging from separated to divorced for 20 years. Kathy (last name withheld) fell in the latter category. She'd never been to a support group before this one.
"I prayed a lot [and] cried a lot," Kathy said. "You can speak to friends and family only so much. Unless somebody's gone through it, they really can't exactly understand."
The group's workbook confirmed that her emotions over the years have been normal: "I would nod and say to myself, 'Oh my gosh, this is exactly what happened.'"
She agrees with the death analogy and calls divorce a big loss.
"I don't sit home and cry over it, but I feel it at different times," said Kathy, whose marriage was annulled. "It was really good to have people that would listen and not pass judgment on you. Nobody criticized."
She said there's not enough information out there about Catholic support groups: "Divorce is something that the Catholic Church doesn't take lightly and doesn't look lightly on. I think it's good to know that God still loves you, no matter what."
Mrs. Dorn hopes to run the program again.
"The more people who know about it, the more we can help," she said. "It can be intimidating for someone who's in a painful situation, no matter what it is, to seek out a support group. I would encourage people to give it a try."[[In-content Ad]]
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