Delmar author explores grief and parenting

But she didn't think that was the right thing to do -- a concept explored in her new book, "Parenting a Grieving Child: Helping Children Find Faith, Hope and Healing after the Loss of a Loved One."

It's impossible to protect children from grief and loss, says the parishioner of St. Thomas Church in Delmar and mother of two young children. Even in children's stories and movies, death is there: Humpty Dumpty falls off a wall; Simba's father dies in "The Lion King;" Bambi's mother is shot.

Family feelings

Mrs. DeTurris Poust has spent most of her career working for the Church, including a stint as managing editor of Catholic New York, the newspaper of the New York Archdiocese. She has written for many national Catholic and secular publications, and currently has a monthly column appearing in Catholic New York.

She is also no stranger to grief. She remembers losing her grandfather when she was a child; and she was 25 when her mother died of cancer.

Empathy

However, Mrs. DeTurris Poust feels fortunate to have had the input of so many people on how they dealt with a death.

One thing the grief experts stressed, she said, was the importance of answering children's questions about death. She discovered that many funeral homes allow kids to view the body before a wake begins and ask questions.

Young children often want to know whether the deceased can feel or hear, what happened to their legs (which are covered by the casket lid) and whether they will get hungry.

Frank discussion

Children don't need to know details of illnesses, but they should be told how someone died, she said. With her own son, Noah, she is careful to explain that the colds he gets aren't the same kind of sickness that killed her mother -- but that if he runs into the street, he could be hit by a car and killed, "and that means you can't come back."

The author noted mistakes parents can make:

* Adults often confuse children by referring to death as "going to sleep" or being "like you're sleeping," which can either make kids afraid to sleep themselves or assume the dead person can wake up and shouldn't be buried.

* Parents assume they're protecting children by saying someone moved far away or took a trip when the person died. But, said Mrs. DeTurris Poust, "That implies there could have been a goodbye, and there wasn't."

* Even children's movies and books can be confusing for their target audience. The author noted that in "The Lion King," even after Simba's father dies, an image of him appears in the sky and speaks. A child seeing that may assume that someone who is dead can come back or communicate with the living.

Teens and death

The author found that teens most often turn to their peers for support, so grief support groups may help them even more than younger children.

Also, "that's the age where they're going to say they don't want to go to the funeral or wake," said Mrs. DeTurris Poust. The experts advise letting teens know why they should consider going, but ultimately respecting their decision.

"A mom told me that during her daughter's memorial service, her son wanted to go play kickball, and she let him go," she said. "It was the best way he could deal with it."

The author said she was surprised to learn that it's common for children who lose a parent or sibling to be cruelly teased about it at school. This can be devastating to teens: "They're already trying to fit in -- and with something like this, you're going to stand out."

God's help

However, she doesn't recommend telling children that a person was "taken" by God, particularly since it implies that death is a punishment.

When someone dies, said the author, children naturally look to parents to see how their faith impacts their grief, but it's also important to live that faith before a loss to build a foundation.

"It would be normal for a child to get angry with God" over a death, she added. "Kids have to be allowed to have those feelings."

Terror

As with the 1999 shootings at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado, and other school shootings, "you can't just sit there and say [to survivors], `We're back; we're fixed,'" she stated. "For that child, nothing will ever be the same."

Through writing "Parenting a Grieving Child," Mrs. DeTurris Poust said she re-experienced some of her own grief over losing relatives and friends, particularly her mother.

"I still grieve for my mother, but it changes every year," she remarked. "Now, it's that I've become used to not having my mother anymore."

("Parenting a Grieving Child" is available locally at The Book House in Stuyvesant Plaza and I Love Books in Delmar. It can also be ordered online at www.loyolapress.com. Mrs. DeTurris Poust has also created a website, www.marydeturrispoust.com, with more information on the book and an e-mail address to contact her.)

(04-25-02) [[In-content Ad]]