Come along on our Marriage Encounter

In the past, when I've interviewed people about Marriage Encounter, they have simply said: "It's great. You just have to do it."

So my husband Peter and I did.

'Poor Peter'

But "trying something" doesn't necessarily mean experiencing the whole thing. As we were getting ready to go to the hotel on a recent Friday evening to start our ME weekend, he pointed out, "You know, we'll be close enough to home that we can come home if we don't like it."

While the other couples participating in the weekend were there because they wanted to enrich their marriages, we were there because of my insatiable desire to know what happened on the weekends so that I could write better stories -- and because of my husband's willingness to indulge me.

I also had a secret desire. I hoped that Peter would find out he was wrong and I was right about the division of household labor. I wanted to come out of the weekend having to do less and Peter having to do more around the house.

Getting started

Looking around the room, I thought everyone looked "normal." No one was overly affectionate. No one was belligerent. We were just a bunch of regular married people.

Peter and I have what I would consider a normal marriage with busy schedules and little free time. The date nights we planned seemed to turn into ordering a pizza and renting a movie.

Lately, I had been thinking about the people who said to me when I was engaged, "You're going to love being married. I do." I couldn't figure out what they meant. I love my husband, but I didn't love being married.

Life was much easier when I was single. I could eat whatever I wanted when I wanted. If there were no groceries -- oh well. My apartment was as clean as I wanted it to be. The times it was messy, it was my mess. My schedule didn't get disrupted by anyone else's plans.

Focus on us

Those leading the weekend asked us to put aside any concerns we had from the outside world. We were to concentrate only on our spouses. To help achieve that goal, we were not responsible for anything on the weekend. We didn't even have to set our alarm clock because the leader couples provided wake-up calls.

I often tell Peter that I am "manager of the world" because I am responsible for most of the day-to-day responsibilities in our house. To not worry about the ordinary details of life was a dream-come-true.

The weekend, we were told, would center around a dialogue technique that involved writing and communicating with our spouse about feelings, not about issues. We were told not to discuss any problems we were having. Darn! That meant my housekeeping issues weren't going to change.

Communication

I didn't have a lot of hope about that happening. I communicate for a living, a skill that translates to my personal life. I have no problem telling Peter what I am thinking or feeling.

Peter, on the other hand, is an introvert. He could talk about work but not his feelings. When I asked him how he felt, he would report on his day. Getting Peter to communicate about his feelings was like pulling taffy, a strenuous activity I had given up on.

Time of change

I was starting to feel more and more alone. I began to think that this was just how marriage was supposed to be and that my expectations of married life were too high. Those people who told me how much they loved married life must have had low expectations.

Over the weekend, however, things slowly began to change.

Three Marriage Encounter couples and Rev. Anthony Diacetis, pastor of Our Lady of Grace Church in Ballston Lake, presented to the group. After each of their presentations, they would give us a topic to write about. Couples would separate and spend the time writing about our feelings. Then we would meet in our room to read what the other wrote and further probe feelings. We were never asked to share our feelings publicly.

Listening

For example, I was surprised when Peter told me that during the times he has been sad or during the difficult times in our life, he thought about our wedding day and how happy we both had been.

It wasn't so shocking that he thought about our wedding day when he was down. What was shocking was learning that he had even felt down. Peter always seemed very even-keeled and handled life with confidence. At the time he was feeling sad, I had no idea that anything was different in his life because he guarded his emotions so closely.

Surprises

I was surprised to learn that Peter and I weren't the only couple experiencing disillusionment in marriage. The ME couples explained that more and more people are living the "married singles" lifestyle, that is, thinking and acting in marriage as if each member of the couple was a single person.

To overcome this disillusionment, we must make the decision to love each other every day and make the time to share with each other.

Decisions

While the weekend was a life-changing experience, I believe the power of a Marriage Encounter weekend is what happens after it ends. Through continued use of the dialogue technique at home, as well as each person paying attention to the relationship, marriages can be enriched each day.

To help support couples in their efforts at home, Marriage Encounter has monthly meetings where spouses can get ideas for dialoguing topics. The sessions also provide an opportunity to get to know other couples who value the commitment to marriage.

Conspiracy

Hearing of the support opportunities and experiencing a prayer couple made me think of "The X-Files." Each week on that TV show, the main characters, Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, unravel more of a complex underground conspiracy about extraterrestrials. During our weekend, it seemed as if we were uncovering a vast effort to improve marriages.

Let's face it. It's rare to hear people proclaim how much they enjoy married life and how much of a priority their marriage is in their lives. Those involved in Marriage Encounter do just that; they make a daily commitment to their marriage and support other couples as they make that commitment.

Through their example, they stand up to a society that says the individual is the most important thing and model that family is important.

I can now understand why people who have been on a weekend say "It's great. You just have to do it." While I can put into words the schedule of the weekend, words are not adequate to describe the transformation that takes place as a good marriage becomes a great one.

(To learn more about Marriage Encounter, visit its website at www.wwme.org; call Ed and Rhonda Staats at 279-3243; or call 888-824-6420.) (MM)

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