Cemetery staff taking on new role in helping people deal with grief

"Very few people come to us for grief counseling," said Helene Bennedum, assistant manager at Most Holy Redeemer Cemetery in Niskayuna. "Most come to either visit the grave of a loved one or to conduct business, pay a bill, order a headstone."

However, she and her co-worker Karen Budka, the office's family service representative, have seen many visitors exhibit symptoms of deep grief and anguish.

When that happens, they have learned to "stop what we are doing and give that person or family the time and space they need to grieve their loss," said Mrs. Budka.

Grieving process

"We are not grief counselors, but we do try to reach out and be supportive of their needs," Mrs. Budka continued. "Grieving is a normal process, and it is okay to be sad or angry about the death of a loved one. It is okay to deeply grieve that loss.

"Everyone goes through the grieving process sooner or later. Some won't ever admit it and keep their grief bottled up inside. Others start their grieving process long before their loved one dies.

"The important thing is that when the grief does come, the person allows it to happen. In a lot of ways, that is what we are about here."

Learning to help

In order to understand and support people they serve, both women have attended workshops on grief issues.

The Albany Diocesan Cemeteries Office in Albany periodically offers workshops on grief management for its cemetery employees. Both women have attended those sessions. In addition, Mrs. Budka has completed several workshops offered through Union College in Schenectady and The University at Albany. One dealt with the impact of the death of a child or infant on the rest of the family.

"Parents never get over the death of a child. It is a hole in the family that remains forever," she noted. "Many parents actively grieve the death of a child for most of their lives. They really don't ever 'get over it.'"

Own funeral

Ms. Bennedum, a former member of a bereavement network of hospice workers, has attended many seminars on how to deal with terminal illness. In addition, she has completed numerous workshops and seminars on dealing with tragic deaths.

One workshop she attended in Canada had participants experience their own death and funeral.

"It was an amazing experience," she said. "It taught me how important it is to put myself into the other's grieving process if I am going to be an effective helper. You learn to empathize with others and what they are going through when you go through it yourself."

Support group

Recently, in collaboration with the diocesan Family Life Office, Most Holy Redeemer Cemetery extended its services to include a support group for those involved in the grieving process.

"The group is for people interested in supporting each other as they journey through the grieving process," Ms. Bennedum said. "This experience might be for individuals who are alone, whose families do not live locally, who may have no one to share their grief with. It might also be for the person that just needs to be with others who are experiencing the same feelings of pain and grief."

"The cemetery office is the extension of our Catholic family, and we support each other on our journey of not only death, but also life," Ms. Bennedum said. "There is a deep religious significance in burying the dead, and we are committed to supporting families and loved ones as they travel on their journey of grief and healing."

Said Mrs. Budka: "We're here to listen, to guide people to counseling or a bereavement group, if that is what they need or want. Sometimes, people need someone to simply listen for a little while; some need more time dealing with their grief. Others prefer to be part of a support group where they can share their grief with others who are going through the same thing."

(Call Most Holy Redeemer Cemetery, 374-5319, for information on the support group or the Albany Diocesan Cemeteries Office, 463-0134. Parishes interested in starting bereavement support groups can call Meg Bergh in the diocesan Family Life Office at 453-6677.)

(12/9/04)