Cemeteries Office seeks to relieve funeral stress

Losing a loved one is always a traumatic time for family and friends. But staff members at the Albany Diocesan Cemeteries Office say stress is heightened when family members and friends suddenly have to make funeral and cemetery arrangements for the deceased.

As All Souls' Day, Nov. 2, approaches and Catholics prepare to remember the dead, the Cemeteries Office has announced the creation of a "Family Awareness Program" to alleviate some stress and help families to do "pre-need planning."

"We're moving from an organization that takes care of cemeteries to an organization that takes care of people," director Richard Touchette told The Evangelist in a recent interview. "We want to help Catholics accept death in the context of their faith."

Visiting grave sites

The Albany Diocese owns 11 Catholic cemeteries, all located in the Capital District. (Parishes operate more cemeteries throughout the 14 counties of the Diocese.) Relatives and friends usually visit grave sites on holidays and in the event of another loss in the family, said the cemeteries office assistant director Jeffrey Farewell.

But "we're trying to go beyond that," he continued, "so people have a more comfortable feeling of what cemeteries are about. Cemeteries are our final resting place, but they are for the living as well."

One aid to making families more comfortable is to have funeral and cemetery arrangements planned in advance. Mr. Farewell told The Evangelist: "A lot of people who come in [to the diocesan office] have to buy a mausoleum or a plot. It's a tremendously stressful time, and they have literally dozens of decisions to make. What cemetery? Where in the cemetery? How much money should I spend?"

Plan ahead

Unfortunately, he said, many people think about these options but never express their wishes or write them down.

"There's a traditional mindset that people feel, `We don't need cemetery arrangements 'til we die or until we know we're going to die tomorrow,'" he explained. Others don't want to face the idea of planning their own cemetery arrangements.

But for those left behind, trying to decide what a loved one would have wanted can be confusing. "I can't tell you how many times I've heard, `We've talked about this, but never seriously,' or `I wish I knew what Dad wanted,'" said Mr. Touchette.

New program

To help Catholics learn and plan their options, cemeteries office staff have been traveling to parishes of the Diocese to explain the Family Awareness Program.

Part of their aim is simply to distribute information. The program focuses on a 16-page booklet, the "Family Emergency Record File," which details everything from information for obituaries to the location of important papers in one's home. There is also a section to list persons to call in the case of a death.

"People always want to contact [the deceased's] family and friends," said Mr. Farewell. "The spouse is leafing through the phone book, and people are asking what happened."

With the booklet, Mr. Touchette added, a friend can take the list of numbers and call those who need to be informed, "and you can spend your time with family and friends."

Watervliet in lead

St. Brigid's parish in Watervliet was the first parish chosen to be visited by cemeteries office staff. The staff members distributed booklets, answered questions and reminded parishioners that it's never too early to plan cemetery arrangements.

The trend of senior citizens' being the only ones to plan is changing, said Mr. Farewell. The staff often meets with young families, particularly those who have to plan for a parent.

At St. Brigid's, staff members arranged to meet with families who decided to plan their arrangements. The Cemeteries Office will travel to more than 95 parishes in the next few years, spending about a month at each one to introduce their program.

Sacred space

The cemeteries office encourages Catholics to choose a Catholic cemetery, since "we have only two sacred places: the church we go to and our Catholic cemeteries," said Mr. Farewell.

Often, he said, just being able to tell their stories helps people feel better about facing death. "A lot of people have had a personal history, and they talk about loss in their own families," he noted.

Even if those they meet are not interested in formally planning, the Emergency Record File allows them to write their wishes privately. The booklet includes information on insurance, securities and wills, as well as funeral and cemetery arrangements.

"One of the comments we've had was, `Don't keep this program a secret,'" said Mr. Touchette. Those who try the booklet can take their time in filling it out, "and if you don't want to think about your own death, it's easy to turn the page."

(For information on the Family Awareness Program, call the Diocesan Cemeteries Office at 432-4953.)

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