Catholic Charities program helps abusers to admit their behavior and to change it

Being arrested was not part of 28-year-old John's plan.

A practicing Catholic who attended a minor seminary for high school, he didn't think people from Catholic families like his were arrested. "It was the worst thing that ever happened to me," he said.

Now, nearly six months after the arrest, he is able to see that "the worst thing" that ever happened to him led to some good.

Abusive relationship

The educational group meets weekly over a six-month period to help abusers acknowledge and understand their violent behaviors and learn other more appropriate ways to express themselves, said Laurie Sudds, domestic abuse intervention program coordinator for Catholic Charities.

John was arrested for harassing his former girlfriend. While driving through town, he saw her walking with another man and began chasing them in his car. This was not his first violent act, he acknowledged. The couple fought often, and he had even hit her with a telephone that he had thrown. He was violent in previous relationship as well.

Alternative

This has lead to re-arrest. Jail time can be 15 to 30 days. Group members can also be terminated from the program and put in jail if they commit a violent act during the 24-week period they are in the group.

Over the course of 24 weeks, group members learn about non-violence, non-threatening behavior, respect, support and trust, accountability and honesty, sexual respect, partnership, negotiation, and fairness.

Facing the truth

"We don't sympathize," she said. "We say, `You're an abuser.' We're not man-haters. What they're doing is wrong, and it's illegal. We call them batterers and abusers. Whether it's one incident or five, they are batterers."

While the program focuses on men who abuse, Ms. Sudds noted that women can also be abusers. The group focuses on men since in the majority of cases they are the abusers.

Admitting it

Now he sees that his behavior was wrong. Although he knows alcohol exacerbated his problems with anger, John said drinking is not an excuse.

"You can't use excuses," he said. "No matter how much you want to make excuses, you're responsible for what you do."

Denial

"Most are remorseful, but they are also in denial," he said. "The first couple of weeks [in the group], they blame it on other things besides themselves. `She provoked it' is what they cling to in the beginning."

Mr. Merrill said while some may think of abusers as monsters, this is often not the case. "There are only a few true monsters," he said. "They have control issues; they feel insecure. They are average people you meet on the street."

Making a change

"We try to change behaviors," Mr. Merrill said. "These behaviors are wrong and illegal."

The group leaders said participation in the program is only a first step on a long road. "This program is not a guarantee," Ms. Sudds said. "A six-month group is not enough to change 30 years of behavior. It's not a miracle cure. We never guarantee that it will stop abuse. That's up to the man himself."

Stop the cycle

"It's worked out great," he said of the group. "It's made me feel more positive that I can get into a good relationship. I have hope and faith."

He realizes that six months of a group isn't enough to make a life-long change. Whether it's counseling or an anger management group, John plans to continue on his path to recovery.

To men who want to stop the cycle of violence, John said: "There's help out there. If you can't see your pastor or priest, there are counselors out there."

(For information on the Domestic Abuse Intervention Program of Catholic Charities of Columbia and Greene Counties, call 943-1462.)

(08-05-99) [[In-content Ad]]