Breckel lecturer: Speaker to explore gender and families

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"I guess I'm naive," says Dr. Robert Ackerman. "I'll go out in the middle of winter to buy winter clothes -- and you can't find any in this country!"

Stores that display clothing for next season instead of this one are just one symptom of being future-oriented rather than living in the present, said Dr. Ackerman, who will deliver the annual Susanne Breckel lecture and workshop April 15-16, sponsored by the diocesan Consultation Center.

The lecture, "Reclaiming Joy in Your Life," will cover joy and healthy living in the present. The workshop's title will be "Addictions: Gender, Intimacy and Other Issues." Participants will learn how dysfunctional families can affect gender development and how to focus on strengths rather than self-defeating behaviors.

In the moment

Dr. Ackerman, an author, sociology professor and director of the Mid-Atlantic Addiction Training Institute at Indiana University in Pennsylvania, said that it's easy to get "wrapped up in the process" of self-improvement and not enjoy the moment.

Self-help books have become a way of life for many Americans, and many who buy them mistakenly think that "if I can just perfect all the techniques, this is going to happen," the speaker said.

People believe that "when I'm done, I'll be content," but "does that mean while I'm doing it, I'm not allowed to be content?" Dr. Ackerman asked.

Quick fix

In addition, he said, today's trend is toward anthologies, such as the "Chicken Soup for the Soul," books that are brief stories about another person's discovery, but aren't an impetus for the reader to change.

"It's like, `Give me a two- or three-minute jolt, where I can see someone else had a moment of humanity.' Why do I want to read about someone else's joy?" he asked.

Dr. Ackerman believes that people often get stuck in the process of self-improvement instead of actually changing. He noted several warning signs, from an individual's seeing no gains until the process is completed to their cynicism being much stronger than their ability to enjoy themselves.

"`You won a trip to Hawaii, but let me tell you how sunburned you can get there!'" he quoted such a person as saying.

Moving on

The bottom line is that many of those who grew up in troubled families learned to simply survive, he said. But survivors can learn to celebrate their survival, trust their feelings, realize they can let go of "emotional baggage" and respond differently to situations.

As for the workshop, Dr. Ackerman said with a laugh, "It's going to be a lot of fun."

Much of the workshop will focus on gender issues. While men and women may respond to situations differently, Dr. Ackerman said that they share far more attributes, and "I would rather build relationships on commonality than difference."

Family troubles

The speaker, who is the author of "Perfect Daughters" and "Silent Sons," intends to talk about how being raised in a troubled family causes many women to become perfectionists and men to keep their emotions to themselves.

"What was behind the perfectionism was meeting someone's expectations of what she's supposed to be: `Am I good enough to be loved?'" he said. "The reason some men are quiet is that being silent was the way to survive. The way to protect yourself was to `keep it to yourself.'"

Through the workshop, Dr. Ackerman hopes participants learn to look at themselves as survivors, rather than victims, focusing on the strengths that enabled them to get through their family situations.

("Reclaiming Joy in Your Life" will be held April 15 at 7:30 p.m. at The College of Saint Rose's St. Joseph Hall, Albany. Admission is $8 in advance or $10 at the door. "Addictions: Gender, Intimacy and Other Issues" will be held April 16 from 9 a.m.-1 p.m. at St. Pius X parish hall, Loudonville. Cost is $40 or $45 after April 9. To register, call 489-4431.)

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