Author suggests effective way to parent children

The resounding "no" that parents give to erring children can evolve into an equivocation as parents are increasingly told to worry about what they are doing to their kids' self-esteem and if they are damaging the little ones for life.

According to Kathleen Chesto, attitudes like that are part of a growing societal current "undermining what we are trying to do as parents: raise peaceful, well-behaved, civic-minded children."

Dr. Chesto, the author of 17 books on parenting, family spirituality and the effect of violence on young children, will speak at an in-service event for Albany diocesan catechists, youth ministers, family ministers and parish life directors, Oct. 15, 9:30 a.m.-3 p.m., at St. Edward the Confessor parish in Clifton Park.

Bad advice

Parents are often told to relax, to ease up on discipline and to be more permissive, Dr. Chesto noted. They're told that if their children don't start in the right track as early as pre-school, they won't succeed in life.

And parents have to cope with the messages society feeds their children through television and other media: violence, materialism and competition.

All of those messages, she said, work against raising children who care about themselves, their families and their world.

Choices

At the opposite ends of pendulum, Dr. Chesto said, are two radically different ways of parenting: the autocratic, demanding, militaristic methods that many in her generation experienced, and the relaxed, let-it-be philosophies expounded today.

Neither theory, she said, is good for children. The first often comes with corporal punishment, and the second teaches children "no sense of obligation to anyone else."

In between the extremes, she said, is "authoritative parenting," which "says that your behavior has certain consequences. There are rules; and if you break them, you live with the consequences."

Responsibility

Authoritative parenting "gives children the opportunity to do something about the things that are wrong," Dr. Chesto explained.

For example, if a child breaks a vase, he should be required to earn the money to pay for its replacement.

"This makes children far more aware of the effects of their own behavior on their families, their classrooms and the world around them," she noted.

By allowing children to make restitution, parents can "build a far stronger sense of self-esteem and lay the foundation for how to deal productively with the world."

Pushy parents

Pushing children to do their best is good, Dr. Chesto explained, but parents sometimes focus their children too early and push them too hard.

"Our children are super-involved, super-committed and super-competitive, and we're teaching them that that's a good thing," she lamented.

"We need children playing [together] more, and they're not. They're playing Game Boys and losing their sense of how to relate to each other. They grow up too fast. We give them nylons at 9 and makeup at 11, and let them date when they're 12. What's left for them when they're 16?"

Materialism

Likewise, Dr. Chesto considers society's leanings towards materialism to be a roadblock in the way of parents who want to teach their children responsibility.

Everywhere, she said, children are bombarded with images and talk about having "everything they could possibly have," and they are being "constantly convinced that they need it all," she said.

She recommends that parents help children understand that parents respect their right to want what they want, while helping them to understand the difference between what they want and what they need.

For example, she recommended that parents allow the child to work for a wanted item, earning the money necessary to purchase it through odd jobs, entrepreneurial efforts and allowance.

Taking it easy

Dr. Chesto said that the most important element involved in a good life for a child is "a rested, happy parent" who isn't run ragged by bringing their children from one program to another.

"Particularly, parents who need to work are exhausted and stressed. That includes running around from program to program," she noted. "There's nothing wrong with spending some quiet time at home. Ultimately, I think that children will be more comfortable, they'll have a better relationship with their parents, and they'll like their own homes. They'll be more at peace -- and we don't have much peace anymore."

(For information on the in-service day, "Raising Kids Who Care," contact the Albany diocesan Office of Evangelization and Catechesis at 453-6630.)

(9/18/03) [[In-content Ad]]