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Jeanne Qualters was surprised by the many people who came to her father's wake.
"At the wake, some of the people who came blew me away," she said. "It really moved me to see different people from different stages of our lives."

Such gatherings, traditionally valued for social and spiritual support, have become less common as families "pre-plan" arrangements and cut out certain rituals such as wakes, calling hours, graveside prayers and even a funeral, according to cemetery officials and Church leaders.

The intention in, for in-stance, not having mourners present during interment may be to spare survivors the pain of seeing the casket put into the ground.

Grief ex-perts say this does not help the survivors. "We are a grief and death defying society," said Sister Jean Roche, RSM, campus minister and be-reavement studies coordinator at Maria College in Albany.

"We are a society of disenfranchised grievers. The funeral is not about the dying; it's for the living."

Time to mourn
The Catholic Church recognizes the need to assist survivors in both grieving the loss of others and preparing for one's own death, said Mrs. Qualters, the family service manager for the diocesan Cemetery Office.

"The Church has three separate rites to celebrate the life of the deceased and to help the survivors," she said.

The rites are the prayers said at the funeral home, the funeral liturgy and the prayers during the committal at the cemetery. These rites strive to bring consolation to the survivors, she said.

While preplanning a funeral can be helpful for survivors, eliminating calling hours or the Mass itself doesn't help survivors in the grieving process, she said. Times are needed for people to be consoled and supported by others.

If the deceased has helped plan services, the personal touch can comfort survivors. "When the deceased has chosen the hymns and the readings, the Mass is so personal and has meaning," Mrs. Qualters said. "To know that the person picked out the reading or song for a reason speaks to you."

Survival needs
Those who prepare for the end should think about their survivors' needs rather than their own, Mrs. Qualters said. She said she often hears people say they don't want calling hours. "That's selfish," she said. "It's depriving your family of support and ignoring their need to grieve."

Calling hours, Sister Jean said, allow the community to provide support when it is often needed most. The calling hours also give survivors a glimpse at the impact their loved one had on the greater community by hearing stories from more distant relatives and friends.

"Most people are grateful," Sister Jean said. "They often say, 'I never knew that about my mom or dad.'"

Condole and recall
During calling hours, friends can make their presence and support known. Sister Jean said the Sisters of Mercy, her religious order, have two parts to their calling hours. The beginning of the calling hours are a time of welcome. This is a time that people can come in, say a prayer and offer condolences.

Then there is a "Service of Remembrance." This is a time where people can get up and share stories about the de-ceased.

Sister Jean said the Sisters of Mercy publish the time of the "Service of Remembrance" in the obituary so that those who want to share a story or hear stories about the deceased know what time to come. This model can be adapted to family funerals as well.
Both women have noticed that calling hours are the one ritual that people often want to avoid having or going to. Mrs. Qualters said that people who grew up going to funerals know that it's a corporal work of mercy and are more comfortable attending a wake.
Her advice to those uncertain about what to do at a wake is to go, offer condolences and leave. "Go in, say a prayer and say you're sorry," she said. "Don't feel obligated to stay."
Offering brief condolences or sharing a memory of the deceased is sufficient, she said. "It's important to respect people's feelings and let them cry," she said. "Avoid clichés."
Sister Jean agreed. "Your presence is imperative," she said. "It doesn't matter what you say. Your presence is what is so important."

At least go
Even when death is expected, the survivors are often in shock, Sister Jean said. Many times they don't remember what was said to them; they remember who came.
Sometimes people aren't sure if it's appropriate for them to attend the calling hours. Jim Gleason, proprietor of Gleason Funeral Home in Schenectady, said if you know the deceased or one of the survivors, you should go to the calling hours. "You go in both cases," he said. "It will be appreciated."
If you knew the deceased, but not the survivors, go to the calling hours, introduce yourself, share how you knew the person and offer your condolences.
If you know a survivor but not the deceased, you go and offer your condolences.
"You don't need to say a lot," he said. "Your presence is important, not what you say."

FINAL PAYMENTS

Arranging your ending
Planning your funeral may not be at the top of your to-do list, but experts in grieving say it can be a gift to your family.

Jeanne Qualters, family service manager for the diocesan Cemeteries Office, said arranging your funeral is similar to writing a will.

Some of the benefits, she added, include sparing your family difficult decisions while they are grieving; reducing disagreements they might have about your funeral; having more choices for cemetery plots; and locking in the costs of the funeral at current rates.

Mrs. Qualters said that Catholics have more options for burial than in years past. There are regular graves as well as mausoleums and niches.

Catholics can be cremated; however, the remains must be buried, not scattered.

Cremated remains must be given the same respect as the body and are to be buried or entombed, preferably in a Catholic cemetery. It is also preferable, Mrs. Qualters said, for the body to be present at the funeral mass and cremation take place after.

"The preference is to have the full casket with the white pall and the body to be brought into the church," she said.

Catholics interested in "preplanning" their funeral should work with a funeral home director who understands Church teaching and Catholic funerals, Mrs. Qualters said.

Jim Gleason of Gleason Funeral Home in Schenectady said that when people want to pre-plan their funeral his job is to listen. "We talk it over," he said. "I never insist on anything."

To learn more about funeral prearrangements, including cemetery choices and liturgy, visit the Diocesan Cemetery Office website at www.rcdacemeteries.org or call 432-4953. To read the guidelines for Catholic funerals, visit www.rcda.org, click on offices, select Prayer and Worship, and then select guidelines. (MM)

(All Saints Day, when the Church remembers all holy people, known and unknown, who are now with God, is Nov. 1. All Souls Day, when we remember and pray for "saints in waiting," will be Nov. 2. )

(10/30/08)