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The second-grade reconciliation class sings Carey Landry's "You are always ready to forgive, O Lord, always ready to forgive." Hope-filled, cheery voices lifted up in the promise that God is always ready to extend His radical gift of forgiveness and love.

Each year, a new class is promised forgiveness in the sacrament of reconciliation. When I look into the faces of these children, with their newness and readiness to believe they are children of God and true beneficiaries of forgiveness, I ponder: If God is so forgiving and I can forgive others, why is it sometimes so difficult to forgive myself?

God forgives me, yet I do not forgive me. What is the matter with me? Why is this so difficult?

I hear the words all the time; the theme of forgiveness runs deep in our Scripture and in our tradition. Yet I do not forgive myself; it is just not that easy.

Retired Anglican Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa reminds us that "reconciliation is never easy; in fact, it cost God His only Son."

My eldest child died suddenly 13 years ago. She was in the prime of her life: beautiful, sweet, talented and very human. Once I got through the shock and the mingling of the stages of the grieving process, the lingering doubt and self-examination of "should have, could have" would not leave me.

What did I do wrong that I could not save her, be a better mother and prevent this death? Why? That kept coming back to me, haunting me, disturbing my sleep and peace.

This was when I began to listen to the words of forgiveness at the penitential rite. I had long talks with my spiritual advisor and devoured books on forgiveness during the slow journey toward self-forgiveness.

Letting go of the guilt, anger and hopelessness turned inward was a test of faith. Both Catholic and motherly guilt were part of my makeup as a woman whose childhood formation began in the years before the Second Vatican Council in the 1960s.

My self-forgiveness mirrored the slow progress of the Church. My forgiveness journey was interlaced with my faith journey.

I needed more tools to facilitate my progress. I began with the Albany diocesan Formation for the Ministry Program, which helped me grow in prayer and reflection. I discerned more and decided to become more educated in the grieving process. I received a Certificate in Bereavement Studies from Maria College in Albany.

Next, I developed hands-on experience. In 2005, my former pastor asked me to be open and available to those who have recently lost a loved one to death. As a bereavement services coordinator, I learned to make an initial visit with a family to assist with the preparation of the funeral liturgy, and follow through with the families on their journey.

Through this sharing, my own grief lessened exponentially and forgiveness grew. Deeper theological education was needed - so I earned a graduate degree in pastoral ministry and theology from St. Michael's College in Vermont.

Self-forgiveness was my gift. In peace, I thanked God that my daughter was in my life, and I have assured hope that I will hold her again someday.

Author Anne Lamott says, "Forgiving is giving up all hope of having a better past." That sounds impossible! But once I gave up the desire to change what was already written, I surrendered to the possibility of renewed hope and forgave myself.

(Mrs. Scuderi is director of music ministry and coordinator of bereavement services at St. Michael the Archangel parish in South Glens Falls.)

(05/06/10) [[In-content Ad]]

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