'Mary' film falls flat

There have been some very good movies about the life of Christ ("Jesus of Nazareth") and some less than successful ones ("King of Kings"), but it's difficult to imagine anyone making a complete botch of the greatest story ever told.

Until now.

"Mary, Mother of Jesus," which will be shown Nov. 14 on NBC, gets everything wrong for two hours. Meant to tell the life of Christ from His mother's viewpoint, this made-for-TV film never rises about the amateurish level of a Sunday school pageant.

Acting fails

The only thing phonier than the beards and wigs in "Mary, Mother of Jesus" is the acting. Across the board, from the smallest dubbed part to the lead characters, no one has a clue about what they are doing -- or else they realized too late that they were in over their heads.

This reaches its nadir when Christian Bale as Jesus stands by while Pilate offers the crowd a choice between Him and Barabbas. Bale wears the expression of a little boy who just knows he won't be picked when the sandlot teams choose up sides.

No, wait! It reaches its nadir during the Way of the Cross when Jesus sees His mother and nods His head the way you do when you spot an acquaintance across the street.

Pernilla August, who plays the adult Mary, seems perpetually bewildered, as if she wasn't quite sure if she was the mother of Christ or still the mother of Darth Vader from the "Star Wars" movie of last summer.

Choppy story

As for the plot, there is no flow to the narrative. Scenes just fade in and out. Here's Mary in Cana; there's Mary in Capernaum. Granted, the Bible contains little about the Blessed Mother, but that isn't a handicap for screenwriters. On the contrary, it should free them to be creative, a liberty not seized in "Mary, Mother of Jesus."

Meanwhile, opportunities for the movie to cash in on the stunning moments in Mary's story -- the Annunciation and Nativity -- are lost. The Infant Jesus arrives just like John the Baptist in an earlier scene: Pop, He's there!

Then the shepherds stumble in on cue, and one can almost smell the glue holding their whiskers in place.

Odd bits

Oddities abound. An angel doesn't tell the Holy Family to flee to Egypt; the innkeeper's wife does. Jews seems to hate the Romans only because they are reckless horsemen. Cockney and Liverpudlian accents are in such abundance that at times you don't know if you're watching the Beatles or Monty Python.

Joseph has a gruesome death bed scene, but viewers didn't even know he was sick. Jesus goes off after His baptism and returns with four strange men He introduces to His mother as disciples. She doesn't seem the least bit puzzled.

Relationships that should be at the core of the movie -- Mary with Joseph and both with her son -- are absent. No chemistry exists between any of them. As a result, the entire film is unaffecting. When Jesus is finally crucified, neither Mary nor viewers seem to know why.

Theology

There are also some interesting, if not sticky, theological questions raised: Did Jesus need Mary to tell Him He was the Son of God? Did He get His parables from bedtime stories she spun for Him (when He was a little old for them)? Did God not speak to Jesus between the ages of 12 and 30? Was Jesus a bawling mess on the cross until His mother bucked Him up by reciting the Lord's Prayer?

When the new TV season kicked off, much was made of the fact that two networks -- NBC and CBS -- were going to broadcast movies about Jesus. How would they compete? critics wondered. Now we know: NBC turned in a blank tape, and CBS has its turn in the spring.

Let's hope that version is worth our time. "Mary, Mother of Jesus" isn't.